Copper for a Kiss
by LadyLefaye
Summary: Jayne and River work on reconciling after his betrayal. Set after the events of “Ariel.” JayneRiver
1. Chapter 1

River sits on the catwalk above the cargo bay, her legs dangling freely in the open space below her. Before she can hear him, loud and clomping…before she can smell him, all musky sweat and gun metal…she can sense him, guilt rolling off of him in waves, threatening to knock her forward with its intensity. 

She sits still, blithely pretends she doesn't notice his clumsy attempt to creep up on her unnoticed. When he is but a pace away, he pauses. She can feel his uncertainty as he balances on the precipice between right and wrong. He almost chooses to back away, but that would mean he was afraid, and big scary men aren't allowed to be afraid of little girls. It's not proper. Taking a deep breath, he firms his resolve and takes the final step towards her.

"Hey, girlie," Jayne says, nudging her shoulder with his knee. "I picked me up a crate o' apples at this last stop. I's thinking since we're rich and all now, I'd share 'em with the crew. Ya want one?"

River stands up slowly, ignoring the apple in his outstretched hand. He wants to say he is sorry, but everything is all backwards. How can you apologize for a crime that hasn't been confessed yet? The guilt crushes his insides though, so he tries to speak without words, using actions, loud and blaring.

She stares into his eyes, not certain if she is ready to forgive. "And the serpent was more cunning than any beast of the field," she accuses, her voice soft and lilting.

Jayne scratches his head in confusion. "Serpents? What're you on about? There ain't no serpents here on Serenity."

River continues, trying to make him understand. "And the serpent said to the woman, 'you will not surely die.' So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree desirable to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate. But the woman was deceived. The serpent swore to protect…to help make her wise. But all he offered her was death."

"Hold on now," Jayne grumbles. "I'm not appreciatin' the accusatory nature of your tone. There ain't nothin' wrong with these apples. If you don't want one, jus' say so. It won't hurt my feelin's none…that'll jus' be one more apple for me."

"He hears, but he doesn't understand," she sighs in frustration. "They offered him silver, and he chased after a dream of a better life. But the silver was just a mirage in the sand. When he approached, it disappeared, and there was nothing but death all around."

Jayne begins swearing in Chinese under his breath, turning to stalk away from the crazy girl and her bughouse talk, but River grips his arm tightly and will not let him go. She can feel cautious eyes watching them from below, and suddenly she knows how to make Jayne see how she feels. Words would not work…not with him. She would have to speak with actions…a language he could comprehend.

River creeps closer to Jayne, until their chests are almost touching. Tracing her finger over the apple he is still gripping, she lets her hand continue upward until it cups his face. Jayne tenses, opening his mouth to protest, but River's lips are on his before he has a chance to speak. The kiss is brief, but both of them are breathing hard by the time Jayne pushes River away.

"Copper for a kiss," she says, a satisfied smirk on her face as she hears a gasp come from below.

"Now listen here," Jayne growls, looming over her menacingly, "as much as I love nubile young things throwin' themselves into my arms, you're just fixin' for a world of trouble if 'n you're thinking' to play games like that with me. And I ain't so noble as to push you away a second time."

"But does he see the girl for who she is? Or does he only see broken bits, fit to be sold to any who will buy?"

"You're all woman from where I'm standin'," Jayne says with an appreciative leer.

"And her eyes were open, and she knew that she was naked," River whimpers in a trembling voice, her eyes wide as she backs away a step. She had not expected the kiss to make her head spin so…or for him to react this positively to her advances. These factors would have to be added to the equation. But he still had to be punished for his crime…that was a foregone conclusion, already set in motion.

"Gorrammit! Don't go getting' all scared now. I'm not gonna hurt ya. You're the one who was flingin' herself at me, remember?" Jayne sighs in frustration. "Don't know why I'm even botherin'. It's a waste of time tryin' to reason with a nutjob like you."

River's eyes go vacant for a moment as her body stiffens. Suddenly, her demeanor is different…swaggering and arrogant…and her voice is not her own. "It's a girl. Cute, too, but I don't think she's all there. 'Course, not all of her has to be..."

Jayne gets a petrified look on his face as he hears his own words echoed back to him. If she had heard him say that, then he would be hard pressed to convince her that his intentions were nothing but honorable…or as honorable as he ever gets at least. River approaches him again, splaying her one had over the muscles of his chest as the other begins idly creeping up his thigh. Jayne lets out a shuddering sigh, and just as he is about to reach down and show her what it means to play with a real man, he feels a vice-like hand grip down on his shoulder.

"Aw, hell girl. You jus' got me in a heap o' trouble," Jayne mumbles with a resigned feeling of dread.

A huge grin spreads across River's face. "Now we're even," she whispers with a conspiratorial wink. Giggling, she grabs the apple from his hand, yelling "apology accepted" as she runs off to leave Jayne to his scolding.

"Is there a problem?" Mal asks icily, glowering at Jayne.

"No problem here, Cap'n. Girl's just got a funny way of sayin' she likes apples," Jayne answers with a gulp.

"You know, the preacher's got some mighty fine words to say about them that takes advantage of poor, delusioned girls. Seems there's a special spot in hell reserved just for those types. If'n you don't want to be joining them any time soon, I suggest you stay far, far away from young River there."

"And does the Preacher's good book say anything about young girls who like to play games to land innocent men in the hot seat? Perhaps she's takin' after that whack job wife of yours."

"I ain't got no wife, and you'd do best to remember that," Mal snaps. "And last time I checked, there weren't an innocent man aboard this ship, you least of all."

"Maybe I ain't the one that needs a talkin' to is all I'm sayin'," Jayne grumbles.

"Fine. I'll have me a few words with River as well. Make sure she doesn't have any crazy notions about you being a respectable fellow. But in the meantime, I suggest you go cool off somewhere that ain't nowhere near her vicinity."

Jayne glares at the Captain, his jaw clenched, but Mal gives him a looks that says that there will be no arguing. "Fine," Jayne growls as he stalks away.

"I'll be in my bunk."


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **When I first started this fic, I intended for it to be a one-shot. But so many people have asked me to continue it that I'm going to give it a try. I have no clue how often I'll update seeing as I'm not sure yet where I'm going to take the story, but I'll try to give it some sort of resolution. For those of you who have been waitng for an update for ages, I hope this chapter doesn't disappoint!

* * *

River sits in the corridor outside Jayne's room, letting his jumbled thoughts and heated actions wash over her and through her. Only a few minutes more, and it would be enough, but she can't melt herself into metal and machine no matter how hard she tries, and she is spotted before she can flee.

"I was really hoping I wouldn't find you anywhere near here," Mal says with a frustrated sigh. "You and me, I think we need to have a little talk about you staying the hell away from Jayne. Smart girl like you ought to be able to see that he's no good."

"It is not meet that man should be alone," River says accusingly, standing up and staring the Captain in the eye. "Your hearts all go two by two. Why should he and I have to be one and one?"

"Girlie, you have _got_ to stop reading the Preacher's good book. It ain't full of nothing but fancy stories and fistfuls of lies. Quoting jumbled bits of Scripture ain't the way to plead your case with me."

"I made a miscalculation somewhere," River says with a sad voice. "A stolen kiss and angry words were to have shown him his place, put him on guard. He tried to sell his soul, and he needed to know that I could see his sin. But when I touched him, the equations became all jumbled and I lost myself in the melody of being a girl. But now the music's stopped, and you've taken away my chair."

"Is that your addlepated way of saying you actually have _feelings_ for the meathead in there? Cuz if that's so, we may need to have the doc up your medications. A child like you don't' belong nowhere near a thug like him."

"Not a child anymore," River cries with a desperate giggle. "The Alliance ripped my innocence away with stabs of needles and flashes of blue. Can't go back. Can't ever get it back. The only way to go is forward."

"Aw, hell…I didn't mean to upset ya," Mal sighs as he pulls the teary-eyed girl into an embrace, stroking her hair until she begins to calm. "There's no denying that what's been done to you is a horrible crime, and I ain't got no clue how to go about fixin' it. But that don't mean you have to go flingin' yourself into the arms of the first man who takes a shining to ya."

"You all see a girl you can't fix," River says accusingly as she pulls away from Mal. "Poor, broken River…what should we do with her? Fill her with drugs and lock her away…don't want to make things worse. But when he touched me, the broken child was gone…all he could see was a woman. It's not fair for you to end the song so soon after it's begun. I want to be a woman again."

Mal looks torn, and River waits with baited breath to hear the words that will seal her fate. But just as Mal opens his mouth to speak, Jayne emerges from his bunk.

"Anything the matter, Cap'n?" Jayne says nervously as he eyes the scene in front of him.

"Well, young River here has been pleading her case, tryin' to get me to consent to allowing you to have your way with her. As you might gather, this is not a position I like to be in."

"Whoa, there!" Jayne exclaims, backing up a step with his hands up. "What about _my_ consent? Don't I get a say in the matter?"

"Your hand is still sticky with consent," River whispers, holding her hand over her mouth as she stifles a laugh.

Jayne looks slightly abashed as he rubs his hand against his pants, squirming under Mal's glare. "That ain't so," he says testily. "I washed my hands after…I ain't that uncivilized."

"_This_ is who you want to be with?" Mal asks River with a quirk of his eyebrow. Seeing her nod her head vigorously, he gives a frustrated sigh. "Fine…do what you will. I wash my hands of the both of ya."

"You serious?" Jayne asks. "You ain't gonna come after me with a shotgun if I…you know…touch her?"

"I can't guarantee the actions of the rest of the crew, but I'll do my best to leave ya be. The girl's old enough to make her own decisions, and we ain't doing her no good by treatin' her like a child…not after what she's been through. She's earned the right to make her own mistakes. But you do anything to hurt her more than she's already been hurt, there ain't no place you can hide that will save you from my wrath. You think long and hard on that before you go doing anything you might regret."

Jayne gives River a searching look, wondering if having a bit of fluff to warm his bed sheets is really worth all the effort, but before he can make up his mind one way or the other, River has already flung her arms around the Captain, saying "thank you" over and over again before running down the hall, twirling and giggling the whole way.

"She sure is a strange one," Jayne says with a laugh as he scratches the back of his head.

"That she is…she'd have to be to take a fancy to a guy like you," the Captain replies as he turns and walks away.

Jayne pauses for a moment, watching River twirl down the hall and admiring how gracefully she moves. Pretty thing like her might just be worth it after all. Then, with a start, he yells after her.

"Hey! Where you goin'? My bunk's back this way!"


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **As always, thanks to everyone who has reviewed this story. It really means a lot to me! I still don't know quite where I'm going with this fic, so updates will be sporadic, but don't worry...I do intend to continue it until I can come up with a halfway decent sort of ending.

* * *

Mal is walking down the hall towards his quarters, looking to get some much-needed and hard-earned rest, when he spies River just around the bend in the corridor, huddled against the wall outside Wash and Zoë's bunk, her brow furrowed in concentration. For a moment, Mal pauses and observes her from a distance. 

He can't make head nor tails of the way she's been acting lately. Not just a week ago, she all but got down on her knees and begged for permission to bunk with his merc, and just as soon as he'd given his reluctant consent, the girl started avoiding Jayne like the plague. Now, he knows she's a bit moonbrained even in the best of times (near-scary-as-a-Reaver crazy at the worst), but he figures there has to be some sort of twisted logic to her actions, and he is determined to root it out. He doesn't like mysteries aboard his boat…they never lead to any good.

With a sigh, Mals quietly makes his way towards River, and when she finally notices him, it's too late for her to run.

"I thought after the fuss you put up, I'd have to put a collar and leash on you to pry you away from Jayne's bunk, but I think I've seen you hovering 'round Wash and Zoë's quarters more than anything else. If your affection's have changed, that's nobody's business but your own, but you best not be trying to worm your way into Wash's sheets. He's a married man, and Zoë would have your guts for garters if she thought you were trying to mess around with her husband."

"Shhh," River replies, placing a finger over her lips. "I'm studying. It's not fair to test me on a subject before I've read the materials."

For a moment, Mal stares at her, confusion plainly written across his face. Then suddenly, the pieces all slide into place and he can see the big picture.

"Gorramit girl," he says in an angry whisper as he hauls her to her feet and quickly drags her down the hallway. He can only hope that Wash and Zoë are too busy to notice that people had been conversing outside their bedchamber. "You're smart enough to know it ain't proper to play Peeping Tom on people's private affairs. Just because you're a Reader don't give you the right to go spying where you don't belong. If you wanted pointers, you should have just asked somebody!"

"Nobody wants to talk about birds and bees with the poor, crazy girl," River says sullenly. "'You don't need to know about that 'til you're much older,' they said, as if they hadn't already learned their lessons and practiced them well by the time they were my age."

"That still don't justify what you've been up to," Mal replies sternly. "I have half a mind to make you go apologize to them, but it would probably do more harm than good. Last thing I need is my crew jumping at shadows and worrying that they're being watched at every turn."

"I'm sorry," River replies quietly. "I just wanted everything to be perfect. Can't make a mistake…they punish you when you make mistakes."

"This is Jayne we're talking about," Mal says lightly, skirting the issue of the terrible memories she is on the edge of falling into. "So long as you're willing and conscious, you won't do wrong by him, and I'm not so sure the conscious part is a hard-and-fast requirement."

"It's not enough to merely pass the test…I have to excel," River says stubbornly.

"Fine, let's go," he says as he begins dragging her down the hall again.

"Where are you taking me?" she asks, eyeing the Captain warily.

"If you want to learn the ins and outs of making a man squirm, you shouldn't be looking for answers from a soldier or a pilot. You need to talk to an expert. And I don't know anyone who can make a man squirm better than Inara."

* * *

"You want me to what?" Inara exclaims, her normally calm voice rising in pitch and her eyes widening at the Captain's request. 

"C'mon now," Mal says in a placating tone. "I'm sure you learned all manner of useful tricks while you were at the whore academy. And I'm not talking about how to make tea or what's the proper sort of incense to use."

"If you're going to ask favors, you could at least be a bit more polite," Inara replies as she scowls at the Captain.

"It's not for me. I have quite the talent with the ladies, not that you'll ever be so privileged as to discover that first hand. As I already said, I want you to help our dear friend River here. And it really won't do you no good trying to refuse. Smart girl like her will find a way to get what she wants. Next thing you know, she might be hidin' behind the curtains whenever you bring a client onboard."

"River wouldn't do something like that!" Inara insists, glaring at Mal for even suggesting such a thing.

"She's right…" River replies.

"See," Inara says with a smug smile.

"…you keep her locked away like a coveted prize, even though she's not yours to own. No use spying if you never let her go free," Rivers says, continuing her previous thought.

"Hey, now!" Mal exclaims. "Here I am doing my best to help you out with a delicate situation. Least you could do is have my back instead of stickin' a knife into it."

"She's just stating the obvious, Mal. You keep Serenity so deep into the backwaters of the 'Verse, it's a wonder I can even scrounge up enough clients to pay the rent on this sorry excuse for a shuttle."

"I go where the work is," Mal growls. "Folk like us ain't exactly welcomed with open arms in the Inner Planets of the Alliance. You knew that going in. And things are a might bit stickier now that I've oh so graciously allowed the Tams to take shelter aboard my vessel. Or would you rather I let them get captured just so you can whore yourself out on a more frequent basis? If you're that hard up for a good lay, I could always lend you my services…."

"There aren't enough credits in the 'Verse for you to buy your way into my bed," Inara hisses, her fists clenched at her sides to prevent her from hauling off and slapping the Captain.

"Stop…stop…stop!" River screams, clapping her hands over her ears. "We shouldn't have come," she says, tugging on Mal's sleeve as she tries to back towards the shuttle door. "Please don't fight…not because of me."

"Oh, honey," Inara sighs, rushing over and pulling her into an embrace as she sends a pointed glare towards Mal. "It's not your fault…Mal and I…we always fight. It's just our way of…showing we care." Stepping back slightly, she smoothes River's hair away from her face and looks her in the eye. "First thing you need to learn about men is that they're always going to be doing something to upset you. It's like their afraid if you're not spending half your time being angry with them you'll somehow forget they exist. But just because you fight with someone doesn't mean you don't love him."

"Love?" Mal says with a derisive snort. "I didn't think your kind were allowed to use that word."

"See what I mean?" Inara whispers in River's ear. "Mal, I think it's time for you to go," she says with a nod towards the door. "River and I have some things we need to talk about. In private," she adds for emphasis.

"Fine, I know when I'm not wanted," Mal grumbles, trying to ignore the incredulous look Inara gives him at that statement. "Just you make sure to take good care of River here. Don't try convincin' her she should start chargin' for her services. One of you on board is more than enough."

That said, he hurries to leave, not wanting to give Inara another chance to goad him into an argument. That woman could provoke a stone into fighting back. He also figures it's best to be on his way before he comes to his senses and changes his mind about the whole matter. He's still not fully comfortable with the idea of helpin' a girl not yet out of her teens lose what little bit of innocence she has left. But better to help her than let her rile up the whole ship tryin' to do things her own way.

Mal might have pondered the ethics of what he was doing all the way back to his bunk, but not more than a handful of paces outside Inara's shuttle, he sees Jayne pacing back and forth, looking almost nervous…or as nervous as men like Jayne ever get.

"Oh! I didn't know you was in there Cap'n," Jayne says with a start. "Inara turn you down again?" he asks with a grin, noticing Mal's flustered appearance.

"Actually, no," Mal replies, sounding a bit surprised by the admission.

"Really!" Jayne exclaims. "You was with an honest to goodness companion? What was it like? Is the sex really better?"

"She didn't agree to _that_, you ape…not that I've even been asking! If there is anyone upstairs like the Preacher claims, He really and truly does hate me, because I've somehow managed to get dragged into your love life once again. Scary thought that…you with a love life."

"What does my gorram 'love life', as you call it, have anything to do with you sneakin' out of Inara's shuttle lookin' guilty as sin?"

"Because River, bless her confused little heart, is downright terrified of disappointing you. So, kind man that I am, I convinced Inara to give her a few…pointers…if you know what I mean. 'Course, that don't explain what reason _you_ would have to be skulking about outside her shuttle."

"That ain't none of your business…it's a private matter," Jayne says, studiously avoiding Mal's eyes.

"You were gonna ask for her advice, weren't you? Jayne Cobb, biggest, baddest merc around, was gonna ask for advice about love. Now if that don't beat all!" Mal says as he begins to laugh heartily.

"Well, what do you expect? The girl practically throws herself into my bed, and as soon as we get the go ahead, she runs from the very sight of me. I never met a girl that was so good at hidin' when she chooses. I thought I knew every square inch of Serenity, but she's never nowhere to be found when I go looking. And that fool brother of hers is startin' to give me the evil eye, and Kaylee…she just giggles behind my back."

"Still not seein' what you need Inara for," Mal replies. "Her business is sex, not love…and if you're thinkin' she might help relieve some of your tension, you're forgetting that she clearly stated from the get go that she ain't here to service my crew."

"That ain't what I'm aimin' for," Jayne growls. "There's only so much a man like me can do. I ain't got no experience courtin' a lady. Most women I take up with are there for a night…a few days at most…and I'm lucky if I don't have to pay them for the privilege. Never had no time for anything more…I'm always runnin' from one thing or another. But given that River and me, we're runnin' in the same direction for the time being…I thought I might at least try to do things proper. Inara seems like she might know a thing or two about all that…and not laugh at me for the askin'. Last thing I need is the crew thinkin' I've gone soft. So don't you tell no one I was here, ok?"

"Can't promise that this won't give me a laugh or two in private, but I won't go spreading around rumors like some gossipy woman. Not sure anyone would believe me besides. But you'd best be on your way for the time being. Not sure how long Inara's little lecture is gonna take."

For a moment, Jayne stares hard at the door of Inara's shuttle, a beautiful thought suddenly springing into his mind. "Now when you said pointers…" he says slowly, "do ya think this might be a…hands on…sort of lesson?"

"That is a notion I definitely did not need put in my head," Mal says with a disgusted glare, "so I'm going to leave you to your disturbing thoughts. I'm long overdue for my bed."

"I know what you mean," Jayne replies. "The more I think about it, the more I want to head off to my bunk too."

"That…that is NOT what I meant!" Mal exclaims. "Not everyone aboard this ship thinks with his groin like you."

Giving Jayne another angry glare, Mal stalks off. He just needs to get some gorram sleep. He isn't aching for his bed so he could fantasize about Inara with another woman. Honest.


	4. Chapter 4

River sits slumped against her arm, staring up at Inara with bored eyes. Everything she is saying is…educational…but Wash and Zoë's (unintentional) lesson had been far more practical.

With a start, Inara finally notices the more-glazed-over-than-usual look in her student's eyes. "I'm sorry, mei-mei," she says with a sigh. "I hope I'm not being too boring. Mal wasn't all that specific when he shoved you through my door and told me to 'educate the girl about sex.' I know talk of perfumes and clothing and the perfect colors to match your complexion may seem dull, but they are all very important aspects of luring in whatever man you may have your eye on."

"The trap is already sprung…I myself was sufficient bait," River replies. "But now I don't know what to do with my prey."

"Oh!" Inara exclaims. "You've already found yourself a nice boy? How did that happen? We don't often run into nice boys…or nice people in general…when traveling around with Mal. Birds of a feather, and all that."

"It was an accident sprung from a mistake…something that was never meant to be but exists all the same," River replies mysteriously.

"I see," says Inara, even though she doesn't really see at all. "Now, this probably isn't what you were referring to when you mentioned a mistake, but 'happy accidents', or unhappy accidents as the case may be, are something all new initiates are taught to prevent soon after they join the Academy. I'm going to assume that since you are here talking to me, you and your beau have not yet made love"

River shakes her head. "I need to learn how the pieces properly fit before I try to complete the puzzle."

"Well, before you even begin to do any…fitting together of pieces, I highly recommend taking some form of contraceptive. I have a particular blend of tea that does the job remarkably well. As a Companion, I incorporate the tea into a ceremony at the beginning of any session with a client. It helps sooth the nerves, and the tea is just as effective on men as it is on women. But the ceremony isn't the important thing in your case…just make sure to drink some of the tea approximately a half hour before you are intimate with your partner. A single cup should last for twenty-four hours, and I'd be happy to provide you with as much as you need."

River sits up straighter at the mention of contraceptives. This was a piece of the puzzle she had not thought to consider. She was not ready to be fruitful and multiply. Yet.

"That would be very useful," River replies, and Inara gracefully rises and begins searching through a nearby trunk for her extra supply of the tea leaves.

Enjoying her short reprieve from Inara's lecture, River lets her mind drift outward, and suddenly she can feel him, pacing outside the door like a caged lion. He longs for her with so much passion that she feels foolish for ever worrying that he would see her as inadequate (although, if he really expects her to do _that _with Inara, he's more moonbrained than she is). But then the images change, and the lust is swept away by nagging doubts. River becomes a porcelain doll high on a shelf next to Inara, beautiful and expensive and not for the likes of dirty mercs to touch.

"Ah, here we are," Inara says, pulling out a cloth-wrapped parcel from the bottom of her trunk. "I knew I had an extra package of this somewhere."

Walking over to River, she tries to hand the bundle over to the girl, but River is unresponsive. Laying the tea leaves on the girl's lap, she gently gives River a shake.

"Are you alright, mei mei? You seem worried. I want you to know that just because I'm giving you these tea leaves, it doesn't mean I'm trying to push you. I just want you to be prepared when you take that step. Don't let anyone pressure you into something you're not ready for."

"I'm ready," River says solemnly, looking deeply into Inara's eyes. "You should let him in."

Inara's brow knits in confusion. "Let who in, sweetheart? I didn't hear a knock."

Just as that moment, a loud pounding could be heard against her shuttle door, causing Inara to jump with fright. Trying to regain her calm, she smoothes the fabric of her skirt and gracefully rises to greet whoever is outside her shuttle. Before she is even halfway there, the door flies open and Jayne comes rushing into the room.

"Hope I ain't interruptin' nothing," Jayne says nervously, although for a brief second there is a look in his eye that says there are certain things he wouldn't have minded walking in on at all.

"As a matter of fact, you _are_ interrupting. Need I remind you…yet again…that this is _my_ shuttle, meaning that you can't just wander in here whenever you feel the urge?"

Jayne holds up his hand to shush her. "Now before you go getting' all screechy and indignant, I'll have you know that I am mighty appreciative of what you're tryin' ta do. It's not everyday a dirtbag like me gets the chance to have his gal trained by a bona fide Companion and not be a credit poorer for the effort. But…well…I can't believe I'm actually sayin' this, and I mean no disrespect, but I think I'd rather have River just the way she is, if it's all the same. I ain't never been with a proper Companion, but I've spent more'n my fair share of time with whores, an' I think for once, I'd rather have the girl that ain't all that practiced in the ways of men. I've had enough of women who'll make me squirm and moan one second and then be off to the next fellow before the bed sheets have even cooled."

Inara's eyes widened in realization. "That's what Mal wanted me to teach you?" she exclaims as she turns to face River. "How to please the likes of him? Sweetie, you should have just said so. Men like him are easy to please…you don't need any sort of special training. The fact that you are willing should be more than enough to make him happy."

"That's what _I've _been tryin' to tell her," Jayne says with an exasperated sigh.

Inara glares at Jayne and gives River a dubious look. "Are you really sure _that_ is who you want to be with?"

"Why does everyone keep asking me that?" River mutters.

"Because he's Jayne," Inara says with a shake of her head.

Jayne glowers at her. He's not sure what she's tryin' to insinuate, but he's more than certain it's nothing that paints him in a positive light. He holds his peace though, purely for the sake of gettin' him and River out of her shuttle sooner rather than later. If he'd learned anything from watchin' Mal, it was that the best way to prevent an argument with Inara was to keep your trap shut…not that Mal chose that course of action nearly often enough. But it was a proven fact that even the most nagging of women lost their steam if you didn't give them no fuel for the fire.

"Well, as fun as this is," Jayne says, "I think it'd be best if me and River got ourselves going now. What do you say, girl? You finally ready to stop hidin' from me?"

River grabs the package Inara had given her, and with a girlish squeal of delight, she throws herself into Jayne's arms. He swings her around in a circle before throwing her over his shoulder and giving her a swat on the behind. "You ain't gonna run away this time," he says with a grin.

"No more running," River agrees with a nod.

Just as Jayne moves to leave Inara's shuttle, River happily slung over his shoulder, they hear a voice come from outside.

"Inara, are you in there?" they hear Simon say from out in the hall. "I have the medication that you requested."

Everyone inside the shuttle freezes in fear, and not hearing any response, Simon decides to peek his head inside the open door. For a moment, he stands there stunned, his brain trying to digest the seemingly impossible image he sees before him. Jayne Cobb couldn't really have his sister flung over his shoulder like a common whore, his hand casually groping her bottom. He must be having a nightmare. That was the only explanation. But no, he'd just pinched himself, and the disturbing image was not wavering.

"Aw, hell," Jayne mutters as Simon's confused look soon gives way to shocked outrage.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: **As always, thanks to everyone who has reviewed...it really helps me to keep going with this fic! I still have no clue where exactly this fic is going, so the next chapter will probably take a long time to be written, just like this one. But I will do my best keep going and give this fic a proper ending. Hope you like the latest installment!

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Jayne squirms uncomfortably in his chair while Simon draws a blood sample…draws it more roughly than is necessary, if anyone'd been bothered to ask him. He's doin' his best to be patient. Mal had given him the long lecture about keepin' the peace aboard his boat and how makin' nice with the doctor would really be best in the long run. Hell, that little speech is the only thing that keeps Jayne from bolting out of the infirmary as fast as his feet can carry him and holing up in his bunk. He doesn't much like bleedin' even when he's getting' paid for it (scrapes and bullet wounds come standard with bein' a merc)…he'd be damned before he'd sit idly by while some prissy doc pokes him full of holes, and none to gently at that. Especially given the way the Doc has been lookin' at him since he caught Jayne with his sister slung over his shoulder in Inara's shuttle. Jayne's not too sure the Doc isn't plottin' to poison him. He eyes the needle in his arm with a nervous gulp. You couldn't poison someone and draw blood at the same time could you?

"That should do it," Simon says as he finishes extracting the blood he needs.

"Your bedside manner could use some improvin', Doc," Jayne growls, rubbing his arm theatrically as soon as Simon withdraws the needle.

"I'm just trying to communicate on the same level as my patient," Simon says coolly.

"Gorramit! What's that supposed to mean?" Jayne asks angrily, his chair clattering against the wall as he abruptly stands and moves towards Simon in a menacing manner.

"It means," Simon says calmly, "that you are a brute without an intelligent bone in your body. As such, I thought it would be best to communicate on a more…physical…level."

"Physical?" Jayne exclaims with a raise of his eyebrow. "Oh, we can get physical," he says as he grabs Simon by the front of his lab coat and pulls him forward.

Simon stares him in the eyes for several long seconds before plucking Jayne's hands off his coat as if he were removing a stray piece of trash. "Need I remind you that if you cause me to spill this blood sample, we will have to start all over again? Now, as much as I love seeing you bleed…and _believe_ me, I love seeing you bleed…I would rather not spend a single second more than I have to in your presence. So, if you would kindly SIT DOWN, I will try to get this over with as quickly as possible."

Jayne clenches his fists and walks sullenly back to his chair. "Maybe this'd go a lot smoother if you'd stop being such a prissy _hwoon dan_ and actually do your job. You're the one who was so insistent on me being here, after all."

Simon finishes inserting the blood sample into a piece of lab equipment before turning back to Jayne with a hate-filled glare. "Don't you think for one second that I'm _happy_ about this so-called compromise!" he hisses, his calm demeanor finally cracking a bit. "Do you think I'm glad that my sister has decided she's in love with a piece of _go-se_ like you? She's not some _jien hwo_ that you can cast aside when you're done with her. She's sweet and innocent and so, so fragile. I don't care if the Captain thinks she's old enough to make her own mistakes. She needs medical treatment and careful observation. The _last_ thing she needs is to be bunking with some merc who'd sell her to the nearest Alliance agent if the price was right. _Luh suh_ like you doesn't deserve to be near her."

"Such language, Doc! My poor virgin ears can't take it," Jayne says with a derisive snort. "I'll have you know your 'sweet, innocent' mei-mei is a lot tougher than you give her credit for. And the Captain has a point…after the hell she's been through, she's earned the right to make a few choices of her own. And what she seems to want is for someone to treat her like a gorram human bein' instead of some lab rat. I reckon she's had enough of doctors pokin' and proddin' her brain to last a lifetime."

"As shiny as that sounds, you can't just close your eyes and wish her all better. I don't understand why I'm the only one who seems to realize that," Simon says with a sigh. Then after a pause, he adds, "Oh, and I highly doubt that there is _anything_ virgin about you…ears included."

"Well, we can't all be as prudish as you, Doc. If everyone took things as slow as you an' Kaylee, the human race would go extinct."

"And if everyone slept with as many whores as you, the whole population would be so disease-ridden that it wouldn't stand a chance."

"Gorramit, Doc!" Jayne yells. "I already told ya that I ain't sick. I'm not pissin' blood or any crazy _go se_ like that, and I don't have no funny sores or bumps. I'm fit as a fiddle."

"Pardon me if I don't take your word for it," Simon says derisively. "I'm sure a merc like you has acquired vast amounts of medical knowledge over the years."

"I may not be some fancy, Alliance-bred doctor, but I know enough about my own body to be able to tell if I'm sick or not."

"When I was studying to be a doctor, I took a course on obscure diseases. It seems back on Earth-that-was, they had diseases that were symptomless for years on end before they struck, and then they killed mercilessly because there was no cure. And the funny thing about diseases is that no matter how thoroughly you think you've eradicated them, they have a nasty habit of turning up again…especially in the back-woods planets you're fond of frequenting. So you may _not_ necessarily know if you're sick…you could be the picture of health and still be carrying a living time bomb inside your body."

"That ain't what you're really worried about, and you know it," Jayne replies. "Even the Cap'n realizes that this is a stall tactic. He only agreed in hopes of you quittin' you're yammerin'. You've just got your knickers in a knot because you can't _stand_ the thought of River needin' anybody but you. That's what's really keepin' ya awake at night."

"I just want what's best for her," Simon says quietly. "And you're not it. She shouldn't even be allowed to associate with you, let alone copulate with you."

"That's not your decision to make," Jayne growls. "She's her own person with her own needs and wants."

"If these tests come back positive, then it _is_ my decision to make," Simon replies venomously.

"And just how long is that gonna take?" Jayne asks, his patience wearing thin yet again.

"If we were in an Alliance medical center, I would have had the results practically the moment I inserted the sample, but Serenity's equipment is…slightly antiquated…to put it nicely. But we should know in a couple of minutes."

Rather than continue arguing, Jayne chooses to wait out the last few minutes in relative quiet. Better to sit in awkward silence than get the Doc any more riled up than he already is. Mal was right about one thing…it would be better for everyone involved if he and Simon could coexist in some sort of peace…for River's sake, if for nothing else.

After a couple stressful minutes, the machine that the blood sample is in makes a small chiming noise and Simon lets out a long sigh.

"You're free from any known sexually transmitted disease or infection contained in the database" Simon says in a weary, monotone voice. "As a matter of fact, you are free from _any_ form of communicable disease at the moment, venereal or otherwise. You don't even have a cold. Your cholesterol is slightly above average, but that is hardly contagious."

Noticing Jayne's slightly bewildered expression, Simon chooses to sum things up for him in tiny words that even a man-ape like him can understand. "You're clean," he says softly, with obvious reluctance.

Jayne leaps from his seat and lets out a joyous holler. He is so caught up in his relief that he nearly pulls Simon into a fierce hug, but he stops himself just short of putting his arms around the doctor, choosing instead to take a step back, awkwardly patting him on the shoulder and shaking his hand.

"I gotta ask," Jayne says, a goofy grin still plastered on his face, "if it bothers ya so much, why didn't ya just lie to me about the results? I might as well ask questions of a rock for all the information I could get out of that fancy piece of tin. You could've told me just about anything and I woulda been none the wiser."

"Because I love her too," Simon says with a soft smile. "And she's somehow gotten it into her head that you're what makes her happy."

Simon pauses for a moment, then adds, "plus…she's a psychic."

"Now _that's_ a reason I can believe," Jayne says with a laugh. "She does have this uncanny way of knowing when a man's up to no good."

"That's the one thing that gives me hope about this whole arrangement," Simon replies with a half-hearted smile.

Jayne gives Simon a nod before high-tailing it out of the infirmary. He's finally overcome the last obstacle standin' between him and River, and he isn't about to waste anymore time in the presence of her cantankerous brother. Come hell or high water, he is getting that girl into his bunk tonight.


End file.
